The Things One Can Learn At the Post Office

After a lovely trip to my favorite government building the other day, I realized what an enlightening trip it really was. Who knew that shipping a book that I sold on Amazon would provide me with such a grand learning experience? I sure wasn't expecting it!

First lesson learned: I am too nice when out in public.

• I landed in line behind this old woman, who struck up conversation about the renovations and how long they had been going on (since she had been out of town all summer), which was fine. Who doesn't love a little friendly stranger-to-stranger small talk while in the slowest moving line ever? Anyways, then she started grumbling about how she had this meeting to get to across town and how she didn't know if she was going to make it there on time...blah blah blah. After a few ahh's and mmm's from me, the crazy lady (who should not be paid) and who walks up and down the line telling people to go use the APC (Automated Postage Center) appeared to help this woman figure out what type of packaging should be used. It wouldn't fit in the smallest of the flat rate boxes, so they tried a flat rate envelope, but then this woman decided she wanted the padded version of the envelope and went and got that one. Now, this padded envelope was $1.59, the whole postage part is not included in the envelope fee...old lady McGeezer didn't understand this. She turned to me and asked if I wouldn't mind buying the envelope for her because she needed to get to her meeting. I said that wouldn't be a problem figuring she would just give me some money for both the envelope and the postage. No no, she just gave me two bucks and then turned to leave...without sealing the envelope, without putting an address on it, nothing. So I inquired as to whether or not she was going to put the address on the envelope and she exclaimed "Oh! You're going to mail it for me?!" Well DUH lady. Do you think I'm just going to purchase the envelope and then what? Leave it on the counter for you to find later? I'm not really sure...she clearly was not fully there. Anyways. She was sending it to Leland, so that was an up...and she was old...so I paid the three dollars to ship it. Ugh it kills me when I'm a decent human being. Hahahaha

Second lesson learned (err rather more like a realization of sorts): Pocket placement on very very large pants.

• So after this old woman peaced from the post office I ended up behind a very, very large dude. As in, if I were to hug him, my hands would be nowhere near touching around his back. ANYWAYS, considering I had plenty of time to observe all that was around me in such a thrilling atmosphere, I started studying the man's pants in front of me. I saw that the pockets were wayyyy off center, but still tiny. Not placed on the center of the butt cheek, but rather more on the hip/thigh region. I got to thinking and I finally figured it out. Of course, normal people use their back pockets, and therefore need access to them...so if they were smack in the middle of the butt cheek, the arm would not be able to reach the pocket! My lovely realization was confirmed about fifteen minutes later when he had to pull his wallet out of his back pocket for a form of picture i.d. Needless to say I was pretty pleased that I had that figured out before the action actually took place.

Those were really the only things of value that came out of that trip to the post office. At least I left with something though...fun facts and out of three dollars for being a nice human. Oof.

A Partay For the Bride-To-Be

The over-friendly takeover by mass amounts of estrogen has ceased. In other words...the Bridal Shower held at our household is over and for the most part cleaned up...only four hours post-start time. Pretty decent I would say, but then again I have no idea how long these things are supposed to last.

It was a great success if I do say so myself. After the Maj had been baking mini muffins and cupcakes (and sending me to every store in town looking for the mix) for days in advance, creating pasta salads and salad of the fruit variety, and working on the cookbook party favors how could things not go smoothly? We only forgot one person...and their name tag...and a place setting or two...and a couple people's recipes in the book. No big dealll. Everything went smoothly.

The large assortment of beverages available included wine, lemonade, iced tea, and the largest container with a spout filled with water and lemons that you've probably ever seen. We're talking a container on the roids. I had the lovely job of filling that puppy up with water...and then with enough ice to construct the iceberg that sunk the Titanic...

For the lunch part (otherwise known as my favorite part), we had a chicken pesto pasta salad that was an extreme shade of green and 110% delicious, a fruit salad that could have fed a family of giants, broccoli salad (I'm not sure why it was called this...it was coleslaw-esque with random nuts [including some nut that was in the same family as the pumpkin seed?] and a bunch of crunchy things...), and cold potato leek soup complete with a lot of cream making it pretty darn scrumptious. So the food spread was pretty beautimous. Then we had three different types of mini muffins...banana nut, blueberry (more commonly referred to as 'bluebs'), and my favorite lemon poppyseed. Onward to the desserts! Coconut cupcakes (which contained more butter than you would ever want to be aware of), lemon squares, some mint chocolate things, and cool chocolates that were molded into fun shapes (like hearts and high heels and hats...pretty great).

I was assigned the job of 'Scribe' for the gift opening sector of the event. This meant that I had to squeeze myself into the small space on the floor behind Amanda's chair, half guess people's names, and come up with crafty ways of wording gifts. Don't worry, the list ended up with four different colors on it and didn't include a single scratch out! I wrote down things such as 'cheese tools,' 'pizza basket filled with miscellaneous pizza items,' and other such helpful descriptors. Hopefully she knows what I meant...

All in all, twas a grand affair! Well done Maj and Aunt Karen, congratulations Amanda and Ben, annnd thank you to everyone who came!

*I'm not entirely sure what the deal is with the font on this post, but yes, it's really bothering me that I cannot get it to match the rest of the blog!

Oh, Sorry I Was Busy Disguising DIRT in the WOODS

Oops. Sorry for the neglection of the blog...I've been rather busy for once! What a concept! I have started volunteering for Skyline Volleyball and it's a pretty big time suck believe it or not. Those three hour practices really take away from my solitaire playing...it's a bit sad, but not really. I feel way more productive, way better about myself, and I'm actually kind of getting in shape...kind of. Not really. Since I don't really practice with them...but the whole standing and walking around for three hours chucking balls and such takes a lot out of me! Whew.

Anyhoo. A couple of weeks ago, as I think I previously posted, we started building (and by we I mean not me at all...the Brain and Cousin T) a patio out the door from the basement. Naturally, a lot of digging had to occur in order to make it both level and even with the rest of the grassy area out back, and all of that dirt had to go somewhere. Conveniently enough, we live right by the woods (and of course we would pitch it all back there, I saw it as a little contribution to the nature landscape...eh? Maybe? Mmm not to the Faj...). ANYWAYS, Faj didn't love the two or three hilly mounds the dirt clods created and therefore sent me and the Brain to disguise them.

Yes. Disguise dirt. In. The. Woods.

Totally fine. Turns out...pine needles are excellent for covering up unnatural-looking (yet, natural) materials. The dead leaves and halfway composted materials are not so great...they tend to fly in various directions when tossed atop a dirt clod pile, oftentimes ending up all over the tosser. Not ideal. It also rings true that mosquitoes still love me because even though I practically took a shower in deet, I still emerged with a rather high number of new bites. Hey-zeus.

A minor re-cap of yesterday's festivities includes (but is not limited to) the awkward man at Border's, a power chair race down Liberty, one crazy lady at Arbor Farms, and an elephant-esque outfit:

1. Border's Man - This man served as both the greeter (probably not the best position for him) and as the cashier (also not great...I'm thinking a stock-man would be fitting). So, I walk in and make eye contact because usually those are the people who try and suck you into some deal, or hand you a coupon (WOO!), or at least offer up a Howdy of sorts...but after a pretty decent amount of time nothing was said, so I dropped eye contact, and then looked at him again a split second later just to check that he was still conscious. Conscious he was! At 1:30 p.m. he finally puttered out a rather theatrical "Good morning" (complete with a stutter) followed up by a large fumble of words, a slight chuckle, and a "Oh umm, I, I, I mean good afternoon. Ha. Ha." Holy muffin tins. At the check out counter I figured it would be pretty painless...and I mean it was, minus the numerous stutters, multiple attempts at getting me to sign up for the Border's Rewards Card (it's free!), and awkward broken up conversation attempt. Yikes.
2. Power Chair Race Down Liberty - Naturally I have no idea if these two women were racing, but I would very much like to think that they were. I zoomed by in the Loser Cruiser and nearly started announcing the play by play (but decided against it, don't worry). Identical chairs, one right behind the other, just flying along the sidewalk. Now that might be one of the only perks of a power chair. The ability to race others in similar makes and models...
3. Crazy Lady at Arbor Farms - While on a mad hunt for the Barefoot Contessa Coconut Cupcake Mix (for the Maj...) I stopped in at Arbor Farms. As I was walking in, a few people were walking out and among them was a curly gray haired woman talking about some protest. She then proceeded to screech to the innocent woman also trying to exit the establishment..."Heyyyy beautiful woman. Beautiful wo-o-o-o-o-o-mannnnn!" The last thing I heard before I was safely inside the sliding glass doors was a fed up "Yeah?" Hahahaha. The thing is that I thought there might actually be something wrong with this woman and so the behavior might be excusable...but when I left (without the cupcake mix mind you) she was driving a vehicle and so I assumed she potentially was not a few cookies short of a dozen. On the real though, large navy blue kidnapper van. Watch out, folks (especially all you beautiful women out there).
4. The Elephant-esque Outfit - This really wasn't that exciting. I had on a gray skirt...and after dancing outside in the rain with the rest of the Three Musketeers I plopped on a dry gray sweatshirt...elephant behavior followed shortly after. No big deal...

Polish Party For Two

There was a wedding in the neighborhood this past weekend, and I was called on board to babysit the Polish baby. I believe it was the groom's brother's child? I couldn't tell you and be 100% certain, but you know, that's close enough in my book. He was referred to as 'Baby X' due to the fact that us A-murr-i-cans can't pronounce the Polish form of Xavier. Heck, I can barely pronounce the English form of it!

Anyways. I was called to the front lines as soon as Baby X drifted off to dreamland and commenced the most difficult babysitting job of all time. I had to sit on the couch and watch terrible Saturday night television for four and a half hours. Whew! I barely made it out of there alive! Anyhoozles. I just checked on him every half an hour or so, flipped him on his side at one point when there were cries of uncomfortableness, and yeah, all went smoothly!

Well, all but the whole DVD player thing. Geez. So the DVD is supposed to go into the slot that's on the side of the TV set, but there was already one in there. So of course I checked around the slot for a button (no luck), then I searched the remote (no luck), and then I gave up for a little bit. I then got a little frustrated and started looking all over. I combed over the front of the TV, the bottom, the sides, I tried to lift a mystery compartment, no luck in any of these places! Then, like the short idiot I am, I realized that I hadn't checked the top (because why would the buttons be on the top of the TV? I'm not sure) but lo and behold, there it was! That beautiful triangle with a line underneath it. The shiny silver eject button. Mmm!

So I press it. Some noises occur, with zero result. I thought to myself 'Well that's weird...' and then pushed it again. Same outcome. Irritating. After several more tries, I gave up and went back to TV land. Not the channel, just the world of television. Watched Practical Magic (the one about witches with Sandra Bullock in it...based on that Alice Hoffman book...pretty great and terrible at the same time, ya know), That 70s Show, The King of Queens, and a couple episodes of Sex and the City (BOTH of which I had already seen...and that's ODD because I don't often watch that show. I highly dislike Sarah Jessica Parker for some reason...don't ask).

Naturally every time I got up to check on Baby X, I crossed my fingers and pressed the defective button...and every time, I just got more irritated. Poor cycle. Poor, poor cycle. Oh well. All in all, a pretty wonderful evening.

Obesity Takes Skeletor

After a hard day of work for the Brain and Cousin T, we headed out to Coney Island for a not so nutritious dinner. Everyone knows that it's pretty difficult to get any nutritional value out of a meal at this place, but there is a way to dodge an instant heart attack. Brain, otherwise known as Skeletor went straight for it. He ordered the Monster Burger. Three 1/3 pound patties, with a slice of American cheese in between each, plus mayo, ketchup, onions, lettuce, and tomato.

Holy GOD. And on top of that...he wanted chili cheese fries!! I went ahead and vetoed the chili cheese fries, so we could make it home without being gassed out of the vehicle...slash so he wasn't guaranteed to fall on the floor and die instantly within minutes of finishing. Yikes.

When this steroidal burger emerged from the kitchen I was amazed. It was much too large for my mouth, but it's a good thing the Brain can just go ahead and unhinge his jaw and squeeze it in his piehole. Dripping in grease (naturally) with a large side of fries and a mini tub of mayo he went ahead and demolished the Monster Burger in its entirety...not really to our amazement, but I'm pretty sure he received a few incredulous stares from those that had seen what once was sitting atop his plate.

Anyways...we rolled the boy who amazingly didn't appear to have a food baby on board out of the restaurant and headed to Lowe's for part two of the adventure.

Now, why we took the Civic, the smallest car in our army of vehicular devices, I'm not sure. Lapse in thought perhaps, but anyways. We needed to pick up two ten foot sections of PVC piping and somehow transport it in this tiny compact automobile. We ended up putting one end in the front passenger seat and stuck the other end out of the back left passenger seat's window...and yes, there was probably three-ish feet extra jutting out the left side of the car...eek.

The Brain and Cousin T plopped themselves in the back seat and I assumed the Chauffeur position (one that I am fairly familiar with, after all, it is my summer job). We hugged the right side of the road for the entire drive back to the home unit and received plenty of stares, funny looks, laughs, a number of double takes, and even an enthusiastic thumbs up! Needless to say, it was a pleasantly entertaining ride home.

Thermal Cameras and Orthodontia

I took JR to the orthodontist today...to figure out the date the train tracks would be removed and for a general tightening. Oh what fun...how I miss those days...

Anyways, I plopped down on the couch and took out my book ready to get some quality pages in from The Time Traveler's Wife (since the book had been missing for several days and I'd been anxious to read it again). JR came out en route to brush and floss (Orthodontist's orders) when all of a sudden this man on the other side of the room starts making whining noises. Obviously I looked up to see where this noise was coming from and WHY. Turns out, the grown father of a fifteen year old twin (yes, I was informed of this fact a bit later) was the one creating the whiny noise. Then, since he already had my attention and all he decided to start talking about how dentists are the ones who clean the teeth and that orthodontists will have nothing to do with that (thank you sir, I'm actually an idiot and I don't already know this. I was born with the genes to have perfect teeth and therefore did not have to go through an awkward braces-filled stage complete with countless orthodontist visits. I also don't still have to go in every six months...). It reminded him of when he used to work in the factory for some car company...I think it was GM, not sure, and how grown men would complain about being tired etc., etc., etc. The whining noises continued and it took every ounce of energy I had not to just crack up. Wow. After that I was asked if JR was my little sister, which I politely explained that she wasn't, and that she was my summer job (all the while trying to make it clear that I was attempting to read the book that was open in my lap).

Then he figured out that I was a student (NO WAY!) and asked if I went to Eastern...? Why? I'm not sure...perhaps it's his go-to institution of higher education? I don't know. I then explained that I was a Wolverine. No, I didn't really know what I was studying. No, I'm not interested in anything technological. Yes, I went to Pioneer. Yes we do have a larger student body than Saline does. No I didn't play an instrument in the band, but congratulations to your kids. Yes, I was interested in art. Interesting that his son worked at the art building down the street. Oh, thank you for the tips not to get into debt and to manage my money...it continued...

After an awkward pause, during which I got to read half of a page of text all the while feeling this dude's eyes boring a hole in my forehead, he stands up, hands me the binder he has been flipping through for the past twelve minutes, and comes and sits down right next to me. At this point I put away my book and gave up any lingering sense of hope that I might enjoy this trip to the orthodontist's office and started wholeheartedly wishing for JR to emerge. Soon.

I started looking through the binder, and here began the lesson on thermal cameras, infrared technology, fuse boxes, pulleys, gears, and the Redford Public School System. The whole infrared camera business was pretty interesting...I learned that you can calibrate one of these cameras to find temperature differences within 1/10 of a degree and that they can be used on humans to find where circulation problems are occurring and something that has to do with cancer. Cool, right?!

But his line of work had to do with electronic equipment and so I was lectured about how a fuse box works, what the problem was, how he created his own color scale for the thermal picture (complete with a very clear breakpoint! Pink to purple...), how the pulley worked, how much of a problem grease is, that grease creates a layer that electrons must travel through as opposed to direct contact which is much more efficient and won't lead to premature failure, oh and the list goes on. I could tell you all about the temperature differences and all the repairs this special man with the whitehead zit on his nose informed me of for probably the twenty minutes of it that I got to sit through.

Also, in case you were wondering, this particular school was right off of I-96 (I think...) and in the front was a service road that only went one way so that would explain why all of the parking lots are in the back and to the side because people probably enter from the side road...blah blah blee dee blah blah blah. Thank goodness for Google Earth because this man did not have to take a picture of the front of the building, because what a challenge that would be.

During this time, Mr. Tattoos and Piercings entered the room and was forced to eavesdrop on our tantalizing conversation. I attempted to make eye contact just in case we were maybe suffering together. I received no such thing, there had to be something extremely interesting on the floor. I tried to reach out to In and Out Mom as well, who entered and exited a ridiculous amount of times, but all I got was a smile of pity and then she got to return to her book. Oy. The receptionist even came in and shot my one of those half smiles that say something like "Wow, I'm really sorry you have to sit through this, but I don't want to deal with him so good luck." Yikes.

Thank goodness JR emerged shortly after the parking lot explanation, complete with a million rubber bands essentially clamping her mouth closed. Not great. But at least I was saved from Sir Thermal Camera and Father of Twins.

Now, to those who live with me, they claim me as utterly incapable of tolerance of other people. I do believe this story: a) disproves that statement, and b) explains why I can't always deal with the Gregorka Zoo since I encounter strange people like this on a daily basis. Besides, they're kind of stuck with me...sorry guys! :)

Fumbled Onions

I took a trip to the greatest car service restaurant I have found yet with AP the other day (if you aren't sure, I'm referring to A&W). I figured it would be one more thing to knock off the Summer To-Do List and a delicious second lunch at the same time! Can't get much better than that!

We decided to forgo the car service and plopped at a picnic table since it was rather glorious outside. After being attacked by a fly (with many hits to the eyeball) pale me being...well, pale, started to worry about the giant ball of gas's rays, but since we were only eating lunch I didn't really think it would be a problem. I went with the bacon cheeseburger combo complete with fries and a large mug of rootbeer while my comrade went for the footlong hot dog of glory, complete with onions. Now, those things aren't the easiest things to control. The amount of toppings put together with the extreme length of the thing cause a bit of a mess at times. Hence, fumbled onions. A few diced onion chunks took a leap of faith and lost...hitting the table and rolling off onto the ground (or being flicked off) for some lucky creature to enjoy later (and for its friends to enjoy on its breath!).

So, after an afternoon of feeling extremely large, one more thing could be checked off my list. Ahh what a great feeling.

Later I discovered that I had a pink nose and cheeks. Funny how a half an hour in the sun caused that...clearly I need to start getting my tan on. Eek.

Gotta Love Me Some Leland

Allllright I apologize for the slight blip in bloggage. I got really motivated, and then all of a sudden I got really lazy...

But anyways. The first thing that happened while I was gone was a little weekend getaway to the lovely Leland, Michigan. It's just gosh darn adorable up there...and so many places to obtain ice cream (just one of those added bonuses). We had a bit of rain most days, but the one that counted was clear until nighttime.

Manitou Island. Slightly nightmarish. The hour and a half ferry ride out there was slightly uneventful...well except for the "Got Jesus?" girls. A whole gaggle of them wearing "Got Jesus?" apparel. Sadly I only managed to snap a halfway decent shot while making it very clear that I was being creepy and continually making awkward eye contact. Eek. Totally fine. Who knew they even made that stuff? I mean, I own a "Got TCF?" t-shirt, but that's for promotional purposes. It's almost as if they're attempting to advertise good ol' Hey-zeus.

Made it to land without sinking, ate some Cheese Shanty sandwiches (so delicious...pretzel bread, great invention), Maj tied her towel skirt around her waist, and off we went to find various cool things around the island. First stop, shipwreck number one. Otherwise known as a plaque with information and an orange stake sticking out of the water...not great. Onward to the giant cedars! Along the way we made friends with various toads, snakes, and also the Whacker Family.

The Whacker Family consisted of a father and his two sons. Each with a decent sized stick in hand, literally whacking every single tree they passed. This included but was not limited to:

• all fungus
• any living tree
• any dead tree (these were even better because the Whackers had the opportunity to fling broken tree debris in all directions)
• and more than likely, any animal

Now, it would be a little bit more understandable had Son One and Son Two been responsible for all of the nature beating, but Poppa Whacker was right there with 'em! Incredible.

After a couple more miles we found the cedars. I'd rate them good not great. I guess they're the oldest in the world? Which is cool. But there aren't very many and they're all mixed in with the other tree folk making it hard to actually see them and their scraggly branches. If that makes sense. After taking a family photo via the timer function on the Maj's camera (and attempting to set it on a giant mossy fallen tree) we found our way back to the main drag and headed for the dunes!

After a rather large and very steep upward climb, we realized that there were many more dunes to scale before we could actually see the shoreline. When we reached the edge...we discovered a sort of sand cliff. 400 feet nearly straight down...with some large rocks all embedded in there. Naturally, we went down it. If you just dug your heels in and kept moving it wasn't so bad...in the beginning I got a large load of sand stuck in my shorts, but after that it was alright. We reached the bottom and started hightailing it around the island. After all, we only had two hours to get back to the boat before it left...

We ended up having to put our tennis shoes back on because of the terrible rocky shore in spots...which was alright for awhile, until we reached the horrible lagoon of algae. This was one of those spots where the water came all the way up to the edge of the forest and was about a foot deep...complete with buckets full of algae. Needless to say we exited the swamp area with a few souvenirs otherwise known as chunks of slime threaded through our shoelaces and slapped on the back of our calves. Gross.

Eventually Brain and I split off from the group to go a little faster and hopefully be able to hold up the boat if we had to. The parentals disappeared from view after awhile and the Brain and I just kept crossing our fingers that we would be able to see the lighthouse from the next bend we rounded. It took a lot, a lot, of bends before we saw the shining white lighthouse of relief. At that point we deemed it safe to dive in the lake and cool off for a wee bit. The Brain failed to realize that lighthouse tours were under way and may have flashed a bit of a full moon to the younger children up top, but oh well!

A reunion with the parents, shoes filled with sand, very sweaty, and extremely tired...we boarded the boat and watched the rain clouds close in during our two hour ride back. Correction: Our two hour extremely rocky ride back. It only really ended up sprinkling for a little bit, but I was very pleased to be back on land after that ride! Yikes!

I'd say the next thing worth reporting is the dredger. I guess we chose the exact wrong weekend to go to Leland because the wondrous beach that should have been perfection was converted into a construction site complete with a yellow John Deere bulldozer and a giant floating (extremely loud) work site contraption with a ridiculous amount of pipes. At least the sunset was still pretty...even if it was framed by various construction equipment.

Dinner one night was had at the good ol' Leland Lodge. Our waiter...a male with longish very curly hair (held back by a headband) was instructed by the Maj to give us "a lot of time" because we "weren't in a hurry." We weren't in a hurry, but this dude's concept of "a lot of time" was truly a lot of time. We probably sat there for a good half hour or so waiting for his return. More than likely he was playing with his hair in front of the mirror in the little boys' room, but it's really anyone's guess.

The following night we dined at North. Some fancy pants place where we clearly didn't fit in a little ways down M-22. The hostess was outfitted in bright teal tights and a multicolored neon dress with flower print and very chipper. Our waiter...Mark...was a mature older man, one that we thought would have the whole waiting on people thing down pat since he more than likely had a little experience, and yeah, he was well spoken, but we only saw him a grand total of mmmm I'd say three times? Thrice, if you will. We kind of figured out that the older gentlemen waiters were probably the front men, and then all the younger people were actually in charge of doing the real work. Who knows. Super awkward for sure. Brain had his watch timer going to see how long it took him to come back to the table, we went for a whole meal without a beverage, and pretty much just talked about Mark the entire meal. Oh well. Dessert was delicious. Warm chocolate cake, more like a giant Reeses's peanut butter cup in cake form. HOLY moly. So good. We exited on a positive note for sure.

The Leland Lodge was pretty great. Brain and I got the bunks that folded out of the wall while Maj and Faj shacked up in the gigantic king sized bed that took up the rest of the room. Needless to say we were a little short on space. It blows my mind how every hotel room smells the same (well, except for the ones in China). It's as if there is some rule as to which laundry detergent hotels can use. So weird. Hopefully it's at the top of the disinfecting line. Anyhoo, we altered the industrial smell of that room right quick thanks to Faj and Brain. Ay yi yi. Out of hand a little bit...

Well. I think that about covers the highlights of the trip, but there's no saying I won't update with random tidbits if I think of them. Hahaha. :)